So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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