i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
