she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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