My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
