I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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