Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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