Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
