The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
