Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
