I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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