My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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