so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
