I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So much rum. So many feels.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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