my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
