went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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