...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
