She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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