Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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