Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
