Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
