god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
