best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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