i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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