so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
