shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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