It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
