What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
