I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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