I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The air taste purple.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
