Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
