my mouth tastes like poor choices
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
