This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
