I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
