life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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