this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
