how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
