just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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