i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
