dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I sprained my soul last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
