Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
