If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
