I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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