I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
