This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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