I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
