the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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