She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
