I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
