just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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