cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize