if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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